When suffering becomes part of our identity: why do we repeat what hurts us?

Discovering a possible source of a difficulty can be relieving. A memory takes on a different meaning; we recognise the influence of an earlier relationship or a fear of abandonment. For a moment, it may feel as though we have finally found the missing thread. A few days later, the old response returns.

This does not make the insight worthless. Understanding is one part of change, alongside learned emotional responses, habits and expectations built through experience. When we feel threatened, a familiar way of protecting ourselves can return very quickly.

Someone may know that repeatedly checking messages is exhausting and still feel a strong urge to check. They may recognise their right to decline a request and become deeply anxious when imagining the other person's reaction.

Knowing the route into distress is different from having the resources to leave it. Change often involves turning understanding into new experiences that are manageable enough to repeat and adapt.

Living conditions matter too. Financial dependence, insecurity, isolation, family responsibilities or violence can restrict a person's choices. A painful situation recurring does not prove that someone wanted it or is responsible for it.

In Beyond the Pleasure Principle, first published in 1920, Sigmund Freud explored the recurrence of painful experiences in dreams, behaviour and the analytic relationship. This perspective belongs to the history and theory of psychoanalysis; it is not a universal explanation for difficult relationships.

Consider an illustrative situation. A person grew up with attention that was inconsistent: sometimes available, sometimes withdrawn. They may have learned to watch closely for distance and to work harder to preserve closeness.

Later, a steady relationship may feel unfamiliar or difficult to trust, while an uncertain one absorbs their attention. One possible explanation is that waiting and pursuing attention have become familiar. Another is that they hope a new relationship will finally provide something that was missing before.

These are possibilities to explore in the context of that person's history and present circumstances. Their partner's behaviour, current events and social constraints also matter. A single attraction or relationship cannot establish an attachment pattern or a diagnosis.

Still, a question may be useful: does this relationship meet my needs now, or am I mainly hoping it will bring a different ending to an earlier story?

The phrase “hidden benefit of suffering” can sound as though someone wants their pain. A more useful question here concerns the immediate function of a response: does it reduce fear, avoid conflict or briefly restore a sense of safety?

Imagine someone who dreads disagreement. A colleague asks them to take on another task, and they agree despite being exhausted. Their anxiety drops immediately because they have avoided a reaction they feared. Later, fatigue and resentment increase.

• Situation: a request they do not want to accept.
• Prediction: “If I say no, they may be upset with me.”
• Emotion: anxiety, perhaps guilt.
• Response: agreeing against their wishes.
• Immediate effect: relief from avoiding disagreement.
• Later cost: exhaustion and a stronger belief that saying no is dangerous.

This can be an example of negative reinforcement: a behaviour becomes more likely because it temporarily removes or reduces something unpleasant. “Negative” refers to removing that discomfort, not to punishment or a moral judgement.

What brings relief today may therefore help maintain a difficulty. This is one possible mechanism, not an explanation for every repeated experience. Brief relief does not mean that a person seeks suffering.

An exercise to explore what a response does for you

Choose one specific response: apologising excessively, withdrawing whenever there is disagreement, repeatedly seeking reassurance or putting off an important conversation. Then write down:

1. What situation tends to bring this response on?
2. What feeling does it help me avoid or reduce?
3. What relief do I notice immediately afterwards?
4. What cost appears hours or days later?
5. What other response might offer some safety without recreating the same difficulty?

Look for an observable sequence rather than a perfect explanation. A costly response may once have been an available way to protect yourself.

A disappointment may first be described as: “Someone I loved let me down.” Over time, this can become: “People always let me down,” then: “I cannot trust anyone,” or even: “I am not worth choosing.”

Moving from a particular event to a general rule, and then to a judgement about ourselves, can shape how we read new situations. A delayed reply becomes proof of rejection; a disagreement seems to signal an approaching breakup. Possible threats may receive more attention than experiences that offer reassurance.

The idea of a cognitive schema offers one way to explore these expectations and interpretations. A psychoanalytic approach looks differently at personal narratives and expectations of others. These frameworks use different concepts and have different kinds of support; they should not be treated as interchangeable or used to draw conclusions from one example.

A practical starting point is to separate what happened to me, what I concluded from it, and what I came to believe about myself. An event is part of my history; the meaning I give it can be reconsidered without denying what I experienced.

Promising never to feel afraid, jealous or in need of reassurance again can create an impossible standard. When the feeling returns, a sense of failure is added to the original difficulty.

A more realistic approach is to distinguish the feeling from the response. I can feel afraid and choose to speak. Feel guilty and check the facts before deciding I did something wrong. Want to send a message and pause to understand what I hope it will provide.

The following steps are prompts for everyday observation, not a treatment protocol.

1. Describe the pattern precisely

Name something observable: “When I think someone is pulling away, I make more and more attempts to get their attention.” Avoid labels such as “I am weak” or “I am a failure.” They judge the person without explaining what happens.

2. Identify the starting point

What comes before the response: an unanswered message, criticism, a tone of voice or a feeling of not mattering? Separate what you observed from the meaning you assigned to it.

3. Examine your interpretation

• What facts support my explanation?
• What other explanations remain possible?
• Am I responding mainly to the present situation, or might an earlier experience also influence how I read it?

The aim is to assess the situation more carefully, without dismissing warning signs or making excuses for hurtful behaviour.

4. Choose a small, safe change

If you agree to every request, try: “Let me check my availability and get back to you.” If you withdraw during disagreements, suggest a break and agree on a time to return to the conversation. If you often seek reassurance, allow a short pause to write down what you fear and what you need before acting.

Adapt the experiment to your circumstances. Where there are threats, violence or coercive control, safety and appropriate support take priority. These exercises should not expose you to greater danger or encourage you to tolerate abuse.

5. Notice what the experiment teaches you

Afterwards, record what happened, how you felt and what you learned. Trying something different may still bring anxiety. The other person may not respond as you hoped. Even so, the experience can offer information about your needs, boundaries and relationship.

Repeat useful experiments gradually. If they become overwhelming, make them smaller or seek support.

A supportive conversation can help describe the problem as it appears in daily life, identify situations that trigger it, and examine the thoughts, emotions and consequences associated with it.

Practical goals might include communicating more clearly, reducing avoidance, recognising needs or setting boundaries. Depending on the professional and the kind of support offered, the work may also explore how these responses developed and how they appear in current relationships.

The help needed depends on the person's circumstances and the intensity of their difficulties. When distress persists, substantially disrupts sleep, relationships or daily functioning, or involves intrusive memories, assessment by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist may be appropriate. Difficulties involving housing, financial resources or protection may also call for social support.

The professional should explain what the service involves, its limits and the boundaries of confidentiality. Support and treatment cannot guarantee an outcome; the work should be reviewed and adjusted in light of the person's experience.

If it feels useful, spend a few minutes noting one situation rather than trying to analyse every moment of the day. Use a private notebook:

• Event: what exactly happened?
• Interpretation: what meaning did I give it?
• Emotion: what did I feel, and how intense was it from 0 to 10?
• Usual response: what did I do or feel like doing?
• Immediate effect: what eased in the moment?
• Later cost: how did that response affect me afterwards?
• Alternative: what different response could I try in a comparable situation?

At the end of the week, look for common elements: a trigger, a fear or a familiar route to relief. Choose one pattern to observe or work on the following week. You do not need a record for every day for the reflection to be useful.

If writing noticeably increases rumination or distress, stop the exercise and seek suitable support. This is neither a diagnostic test nor a replacement for care.

Some responses developed when they seemed to protect a relationship or make a difficult situation bearable. As circumstances change, they can become costly and need to be reconsidered.

Recognising this can encourage greater kindness towards ourselves, manageable experiments and patience with learning. Professional support may be part of that process.

You carry your history with you, but it does not define everything about you. A question can open the next step: which familiar response leaves me exhausted, what does it provide in the moment, and what would I need to try something different?